I know. It's a bit misleading to write "things I'd rather keep to myself" and then spend a blog post telling them to you. You might rightly wonder if I'd really rather keep them to myself, and if so, why I am blogging about them. It is occurring to me, as we begin this short-term journey of being missionaries, that there are a number of things that we, and perhaps other missionaries, would rather keep to ourselves.
The thing about the modern missionary (or post-modern if you are keeping up with the philosophical times) is that a big part of being a missionary is communicating with supporters. Two things about this communication are dramatically different than just a few decades ago: dollars and time. First, our communication is intended to help those who have sent us here be informed about our work and pray for us, but in these days those same people are making monthly decisions about where their donation dollars are going. Wanting to be stewardly, those same supporters will want to make sure that the dollars they are spending on missions are having an impact. So, we missionaries feel the pressure to prove that we are being "effective" and having an "impact." The second thing is that our communication is no longer limited to a few letters a year or a quarterly prayer letter. The internet brings the convenience of helping distant missionaries stay in touch with family back home regularly but also adds the pressure for missionaries to create websites, glossy monthly newsletters and (at least) weekly blog updates. When you add in the convenience and immediacy of email, skype, facetime, pinterest, and just plain old "google hanging out," it is a pretty quick calculation to see that the modern missionary is called upon to produce much more "news" than their predecessors.
Both of these reasons add pressure for missionaries to market themselves well, to produce a never ending supply of inspiring and positive stories, and of course to steer away from too much about the nitty gritty. So, even though I have only been a missionary for two months, I know enough to know that there are things I'd rather keep to myself. And, because this blog can't go on indefinitely, I'll have to limit it to a few things and end up keeping some to myself anyway.
FOUR THINGS I'D RATHER KEEP TO MYSELF:
1. I am not changing the world. Change, progress, growth, and fruitfulness all happen slowly and sometimes imperceptibly. I can tell you what I am doing -- going to work, having meetings, reading reports, talking with partners in ministry, discovering things I didn't know, praying, scratching my head, and sharing beans and rice with co-workers over lunch; but I can't always tell you what effect it is having. In fact, even though we put a lot of effort into measuring the fruitfulness of what we do, and the data and stories we collect are generally encouraging, they are generally not dramatic. When my term in Haiti is over, there will still be lots of work to be done.
There are also days where the change is so invisible that I cannot see it and wonder why I have come. The progress I hope for is often met by setbacks because of things outside my control and words like "frustration," "futility," and "failure" enter my wandering thoughts. Sometimes, when I am feeling particularly vulnerable, I dare to share these thoughts with supporters, but I am careful to package them as prayer requests so that I can invite others' partnership without diminishing their expectation that "really great and inspiring things" are happening through their missionary.
2. I'm an emotional yo-yo who goes back and forth between being thrilled to be here and wishing I wasn't. Missionaries used to be "other people," and frankly, I was glad they were. Missionaries, I thought, didn't know the first thing about living in the real world. Now I am one of them and I think, "Wow, I have learned so much about myself and the world and perspective in the last seven weeks, I can't imagine being the person I was seven weeks ago." In other words, I feel sorry for my former self who hadn't yet had this experience and by extension, feel sorry for any who haven't had significant cross-cultural experience. These fleeting thoughts of cultural superiority are then interrupted by miniature pity parties, like when I re-encounter daily hassles for the basics of living - like having my water cistern running empty, my batteries drain, or my propane tanks empty.
In addition to that, the emotional work of living in a country where poverty is its most lucrative export is tremendous. My eyes go back and forth between typing on my MacBook and seeing neighbours who live on less than $5 a day. Driving an average speed of a crawl and adjusting to the perpetual mobility futilty of taking 30 minutes to go five kilometres forces a person to lower all sorts of expectations. I am told this is normal.
3. I don't attend a Christian Reformed congregation even though I work for a Christian Reformed ministry. I am a Christian Reformed pastor. I work for a Christian Reformed ministry: Christian Reformed World Missions. There are, depending on whose counting you are counting, somewhere between 42 and 60 Christian Reformed congregations in the country, some of which are within easy driving distance of our home. Yet, every Sunday morning, we head to one of the few English-speaking services in our part of town -- at a non-denominational chapel pastored by a Wesleyan. As a pastor who has baptized an average of one child per month for the last fifteen years, the absence of a font at the front is just one of a host of changes in our Sunday morning routine. But you know, I am loving it. Expanding our perspective of the kingdom of God is not just about including Haitians, and not just about knowing in my head that all those good folks in other congregations are my spiritual siblings, but knowing it deep in my gut and my experience.
4. Finally, I am not suffering as much as you think I am. I have cable television, house staff, and beer in my fridge. We can skype with parents and grandparents when we are homesick. Grocery stores stock nearly every North American good item you can think of and while they are more expensive, they are accessible. In order to focus on my work, staff take care of all sorts of details of life including filling the Nissan with diesel, mopping the floors, even driving to the beach. Yes, beach. We live on a tropical island and have been to the beach.
Those are just four things I'd keep to myself. Ok, not keep to myself, but you can guess they won't frame my next monthly newsletter, which is due in just a couple of days. The challenge of course, is to continue to portray the challenge of ministry, the hope of transformation, and the evidence of God's blessing in ways that evoke prayer, support, and genuine missionary fervor.
If you are supporting us in ministry, thanks for continuing despite my disclosure; If you are considering missions yourself, know that it's not that overwhelming both positively and negatively; and if you are just a casual reader of our blog, thanks for sharing the journey.
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